Marriage Conflict Expert
Before my family went away on a weekend trip, I had been planning to write a polite little article about resolving conflicts. It was going to be spectacular.
I was planning to tell you about my wife and me. I was going to share that, in order to solve problems, Jane likes to walk away from them for a time, while I like to discuss them at boiling point. I was prepared to mention that this used to be a real difficulty in our relationship.
Before we set out in the minivan together, I was planning to explain how, in our marriage, we'd come to terms with our differences and had learned to solve conflicts in a way that would benefit both sides.
For the most part, I was going to say, we got over it. Then I was going to impart to you all the wisdom that brought us to such a point, and those insights could help you get over your conflict-solving problems too.
I reiterate: that was before the trip.
We had traveled to Indiana for a weekend with family, and everything went well. There was just one blip, in my opinion: my wife had disclosed some information to our extended family without first talking with me about it. It wasn't anything major, but it had been just enough to really bug me.
On our way home, as Jane and I talked about the events of the weekend, I remembered her disclosure. True to my nature, I wanted to discuss it immediately.
Since we had been having good conversation, and since our kids were busy "i-podding" in the backseat, I thought it would be a safe time for us to talk things through.
"Babe," I said, "can I talk to you about something without you escalating?" Both of us have begun conversations with this opener, and it usually means, "Brace yourself. I'm about to say something you probably won't like."
For a moment, my wife just looked surprised, but she quickly agreed to talk. So I briefly recapped what had happened over the weekend, expressing that her disclosure had bothered me. Then I requested that, in the future, she talk with me first before discussing similar matters with our extended family.
At that, Jane's forehead started to crease. By the look on her face, I could tell she needed to do some mental processing. True to her nature, she wanted space.
I didn't want to give her any space. I wanted to fix the problem. And that's when I began to regret those plans for a nice, polite article. You see, conflict resolution is a lovely subject to write about, but it's not so neat and easy when the rubber meets the road.
I decided to follow the same advice I had intended to include in this article. I shut my mouth and let Jane take the time she needed to figure things out. Although everything in me wanted to jabber at her and force repair, I bit my tongue.
Looking out the window, I tried to convince myself the scenery was interesting. Ooh, look. A bird. And some trees. And there's a cow. It was agonizing.
Still, as it turned out, my own advice worked. After only a few minutes, Jane turned to me. "Ok," she said, "I'll work on it."
If I had pestered her like I wanted to, we'd probably still be arguing about that one. So I re-learned something about marital conflict that day, and it's worth passing on: when I'm trying to find common ground with my wife, it can't be only on my terms. Selflessness plays a huge role in resolution. And the opportunities for resolution never end, which is possibly best illustrated by something my wife said to me later that night.
"Babe," she asked, "can I talk to you about something without you escalating?"
Winning At Home Inc., is a nationally-known organization designed to assist and encourage people of all ages and stages of family development. Dan Seaborn, founder, wrote this article in conjunction with Winning At Home's staff editor Lisa Velthouse. E-mail your questions or comments to hometeam@winningathome.com.
Originally published August 19, 2005.
